Best Laid Plans
by Cardboard Edward
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant has always had a weakness for Valkyrie. And the reflection knows exactly how to exploit it. Oneshot. KOTW spoilers.


Written for the kink meme. Special thanks to Kribu/Yapyap for prompting and beta-ing!

* * *

In the dark, the reflection waited. She could hear Valkyrie walk across the bedroom, hear her slide the window open and the noise of her boots stomping down on the grass. Silence. Then, too soft to make out the words, a man's voice, and Valkyrie's laugh.

Stephanie counted to thirty breathlessly, and then slipped out of the mirror's surface. She flopped onto the bed, reaching for her iPod, and hooked it to her speakers. Her eyes closed and she smiled against her duvet, enjoying the music for a few moments before reaching down underneath her bed, retrieving the nail-polish stored underneath.

She fished for a nice flashy color for her toes. Valkyrie didn't get why she did this. Always reminded her that it disappeared when they switched back – and then sighed before Stephanie could respond, dismissing it as another glitch.

There were more important glitches to worry about than her painting her nails, Stephanie thought, applying a nice coat of purple, and then grinned.

From the dark recess of her mind, she pulled Valkyrie's last batch of memories apart and peered through them. Training magic, working at the sanctuary, and… The Boyfriend.

The Boyfriend made up a majority of Valkyrie's life now. Stephanie wrinkled her nose, pushing past what had to be hours of them messing around, being stupid. She was never like this with Fletcher. And, to be honestly she couldn't afford to be now, not with Darquesse looming. The thought left a sour taste in her mouth. Her parents' impending deaths on the horizon, and all she cared about was him. Disgusting.

At least Skulduggery agreed with her. She could see him now, leaning against the door of Gordon's house, as The Boyfriend pushed past him and out the door, smiling awkwardly. He was all muscles and nearly matched Skulduggery in height, with more than enough charm to win over Valkyrie the second they met. Skulduggery, however, hated him as much as Stephanie did.

That's what they were arguing about now – or, well, a few hours ago. Valkyrie arms were crossed and Skulduggery had pulled himself to his full height, and they were nearly screaming at each other.

"You're being irresponsible," Skulduggery chided her.

"I'm eighteen," Stephanie said, speaking along with Valkyrie in the memory. "And you don't have any control over who I date."

"No, I don't," he agreed, "But I am your partner. You're being immature and neglecting your work and things you need to seriously think about. Like Darquesse."

Stephanie agreed. But her mouth moved, mimicking Valkyrie's words, already said. "I can handle it, Skulduggery!"

He scoffed. "You're doing a great job proving that. Missing Sanctuary meetings. Calling me in the middle of the night to tell me you can't be working on a case the next day, because you're with _him_-"

"Oh, shut up!" Valkyrie shouted, cutting him off. "I have a boyfriend! _Get over it._ You were never like this with Fletcher."

Skulduggery went silent. She could feel Valkyrie's frustration and confusion flowing through her, threatening to overpower her own emotions. But she knew how to push through by now, and she knew how to observe a memory with her own senses.

Stephanie could see how tense Skulduggery was, how his shoulders were tight and his jaw locked together. How his skull was directed towards her.

How he was considering telling her what was obvious to everyone but Valkyrie – that he had fallen in love with her and looking at her, with him, was destroying him. And arguing with her was the only thing keeping it from admitting it all.

Stephanie sighed like she was watching a bad television drama.

"When you were dating Fletcher, you still knew what was important. You weren't this reckless, you weren't so… so… stupid."

Valkyrie bristled. "If you're going to be this much of an asshole, Skulduggery, I don't want to work with you. Find a new teenage girl to boss around the Sanctuary. I'm not going to deal with it anymore."

They glared at each other in silence for what felt like hours. The two of them had fought a lot in the past month, but not like this. They had never fought like this before.

Skulduggery was the first to look away, and he reached for the doorknob.

"Call me," he said, voice low, "when you've come to your senses." The door slammed behind him.

Valkyrie stood, staring at it for a moment, before marching to the nearest sofa, throwing herself down and screaming into a pillow.

Stephanie went through the rest of the day's events, slightly stunned. Valkyrie arranged another date with The Boyfriend, returned home for dinner and switch with Stephanie. Then, of course, she forgot to let Stephanie back out after she ate – it was a good thing she knew how to herself.

Then the streams of consciousness ran parallel and merged, and Stephanie was left with only her thoughts and a forgotten bottle of nail polish.

She twisted the cap back on and put it back, her head swimming. Under her surprise, she was delighted – them arguing was a good sign for her own plans to get rid of them both. Stephanie never dreamed that this could ever happen – they were inseparable. Always. Skulduggery had been about to tell her his feelings, Stephanie was sure, when The Boyfriend showed up. And since then, it had been tense, and angry, and strained.

For this, obviously, she was grateful. She'd feel bad for the boy when he had to learn about the death of his girlfriend. … That was, if they were still dating.

Because no matter how pretty The Boyfriend's eyes were, or how much Valkyrie liked his voice, or (especially) his abs, Skulduggery came first. Always. It'd take a while, but she'd figure it out, and The Boyfriend would be forgotten. Skulduggery would struggle with telling her his feelings, and she'd gloss over his weird behavior without thinking twice.

And they'd be inseparable again. Stephanie sighed. She didn't have the time or resources to kill them both now. If she could make some sort of permanent rift, she'd be golden – but that was impossible. He loved her too much.

She flicked back through the memories, laying on her tummy. They all blurred together – the wandering hands of The Boyfriend, Skulduggery's tense behavior, how terrified he was of revealing himself and ruining things between them. Stephanie pushed herself up, ready to give up on the whole thing and pick up a book –

And then.

She thought.

And thought.

He _did_ love her too much.

Far too much to be able to say no.

Especially if Stephanie asked very nicely.

Stephanie grinned.

* * *

It was easier than Stephanie could have even guessed. All she did was send a text on Valkyrie's phone ("We need to talk. Gordon's?"), and his response was immediate ("Would three pm be suitable?" "Sure.") She laughed as she deleted the texts and replaced the mobile phone in Valkyrie's jeans, and kept laughing while she was in the mirror, only sobering up when Valkyrie let her out.

"Are you talking to Skulduggery?" She asked, keeping her voice neutral.

Valkyrie scowled. "Not until he apologizes."

Stephanie had to hide her smile.

When she left, Stephanie changed and grabbed herself a cab. Skulduggery wasn't there yet, which she counted as a blessing at first. But she found herself with an hour to do nothing but pace around.

The plan was obvious. …And more than a little skeezey. Stephanie didn't mind that, though. It was for the greater good, and Skulduggery. …Well, she would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about it.

The problem was, Stephanie had no experience with it. Oh, sure, she had kissed boys whose names Valkyrie didn't even remember, and she knew everything Valkyrie did, but it still left her… rather vague on the details. She had dressed in a short skirt and a pretty top (and wore a very nice set of things underneath it).

She could have fabricated the whole thing, but of course, it'd be Skulduggery's word against hers. And she didn't even know where to start with that…

So. Field research was her best option.

By the time Skulduggery unlocked the door, she was on the sofa, sitting very still to avoid fidgeting.

He tilted his head at her. He wore a very nice suit, one of his best, and she wondered if he picked it out to impress Valkyrie. Did he even think it was worth the effort?

"What are you doing here?" He asked, sounding genuinely puzzled, and then "…Ah. I suppose Valkyrie needs to be more careful with her phone."

Stephanie smiled, and then nodded, and then wondered if she should be smiling and nodding at the same time. She stopped both. "I need to talk to you."

"I'm aware."

Stephanie crossed her legs, wondering how Valkyrie dealt with him being this frustrating every day. "It's about your fight with Valkyrie."

Skulduggery tilted his head at her. "What," he said, "have you picked a side?"

"Yes," she said. "Yours." It wasn't even a lie.

"Well. Thank you. I don't see how that's at all relevant to me, but if you're planning on actually telling Valkyrie how immature she's being, I'm grateful." He went for the door, and Stephanie stood up, panicking. This was not going as planned.

"Wait," she said. "I know why you hate her boyfriend so much. I know why you're fighting with her."

Skulduggery turned away from the door. "…It seems like I shouldn't be wondering why this is relevant to me, but why it's relevant to _you_. Why are you so invested? You're supposed to worry about her family and university problems. Not… this."

"I want to help you," Stephanie said, walking towards him. "Not try to argue with Valkyrie, I mean. You know how stubborn she is."

"With what, then?"

Stephanie opened her mouth and closed it, a million phrases running through her head. In the end, she decided to resolve it the simple way. She took a hold of his tie and pulled down to her level, and kissed him on the teeth.

She had his tie in a death grip and her mouth firmly against his skull (cool but not unpleasant, she had to admit) but he didn't move, didn't react. Stephanie pulled back, frustrated and confused.

"What are you doing?" Skulduggery said, a hint of a stutter in his voice. He tried to pull away from her, and Stephanie had to let go of his tie before he choked. (Well. Not really, but.)

"Offering you a way to get what you want without ruining your relationship with her," she explained in a cool voice, fighting past her annoyance with him.

"You don't know what I want."

"I know she's too busy thinking of him to even consider you."

He tensed.

"I look like her, and I sound like her, and I actually want to, damn it." The last bit came out a little stronger than she intended.

"I don't trust you."

She smiled. "Then what better opportunity to get to know me?"

He had no answer for that.

"She doesn't have to know," Stephanie said, tracing her fingertips up his arm.

Skulduggery stepped back. "So you_ can_ block memories."

"I can. And do you know why I learned how to? Because I didn't want her to feel what being tortured by Mevolent's army was like."

"You did?"

He was so willing to believe her. Lying through her teeth, and he accepted all of it. She wondered if he did the same for Valkyrie, or was only willing to accept what he wanted to hear from the substitute.

But all she did was nod in response and he went silent again, probably lost in thought. Stephanie took this opportunity to unbutton her shirt, and he made an interesting choking noise when he looked down and noticed.

But he still stepped away from her. "I can't."

Stephanie scoffed in disbelief. The girl he wanted, but he couldn't have, right in front of him and more than willing. And yet he said no. What an idiot.

Skulduggery turned sharply, and Stephanie realized she had accidentally said the last bit out loud.

"Say that again," he said, voice hard to read.

Stephanie blinked. "You're an idiot," she repeated, making sure she had the same inflection.

And there he was, pushing her hair behind her ear and looking her directly in the eye, like he was looking for Valkyrie, somewhere deeper than the identical features. Stephanie's breath caught. She couldn't read an expression – just that skull, ivory and blank as ever – but…

She could have hit herself. _Duh_, she thought, frustrated with her own stupidity. It didn't matter what she looked like, or what she wore. It mattered if she could fake being her.

And that's what she had spent the last 6 years perfecting.

She glared at him – her best Valkyrie glare, and said, "just kiss me, already," and this time, there was no hesitation. She went up to meet him, hand on the back of his neck, and his hands were sliding down her back, and Stephanie was starting to think this was a _really good plan_.

* * *

"Valkyrie," he said, in that smooth voice of his, but without the usual control, the usual power. She could feel his gloved hand trembling against her skin.

"That's not my name," she said beneath him, her voice soft, finding the lies that were normally so easy for her to fabricate were impossible. She had never felt this… vulnerable before.

"I know," he murmured. "Just let me pretend."

* * *

He stood up and dressed without looking at her. Stephanie stayed on the couch, curled up, and watched as he adjusted his shirt – she thought she may have ripped off a button or two – and jacket, and then straightened his hat, all in silence, all without looking at her. She knew he was ashamed.

But Stephanie herself felt strangely smug. Valkyrie thought she knew Skulduggery better than anyone else in the world. Not quite. She leaned her face into a pillow, grinning, and for one stupid wild moment wondered if she really _had_ to kill him.

She scowled a moment later. Her hormones were not going to get in the way of keeping her family – and herself – safe.

But they were alike. So much alike. Neither of them should have been able to feel pain, or … that. Her hands traced over the marks he had given her, knowing they'd be gone when she switched with Valkyrie again. Sighing, she got dressed.

There was work to be done.

During the cab ride home she re-crafted the memories. Not too much – she just had to frame her own mindset as completely innocent when setting up the meeting. That she just wanted to help, and Skulduggery was so desperate, and she was just… curious.

The thing was, the latter wouldn't even be difficult for Valkyrie to buy. The Boyfriend was off limits for the reflection and yet she had to sit through every memory. It wouldn't be a surprise to Valkyrie that she'd be a little… frustrated. But the funny part was? Valkyrie had thought about it before. Sure, it was months before she met The Boyfriend, but … she had. And Skulduggery had no idea. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough for Valkyrie to understand, enough for her to accept that it had actually happened. It was all too easy.

She said hello to her mother and Alice, walked upstairs and took a shower, enjoying the contrast of the normalcy compared to what she had just done. Then she sat on her bed and picked out a book she had bought last week. When was the last time Valkyrie herself had read for fun? Ages.

She heard Valkyrie approaching an hour later, and when she stuck her head through the window, she was grinning, oblivious. And then she noticed Stephanie's expression.

"What's wrong? Is it Alice?" she jumped down from the frame, and stood before her.

Stephanie took a deep breath. "No," she said, making sure her voice was just shaky enough. "Something happened. With Skulduggery."

The look on Valkyrie's face was really something. If Skulduggery saw it, well... he'd have nothing to worry about.

"Is he okay?" Valkyrie said, her voice shaking. "Is he hurt?"

Stephanie shook her head. "No, it's not… I went to talk to him, about your fight, and…" she swallowed, perfectly calculated. "Just let me show you."

Valkyrie was cautious, but no longer scared. Stephanie had to bite her lip to force herself not to laugh.

"Okay," Valkyrie said, and her reflection walked backwards, into the mirror. She saw her hand touch the surface, but instead of accepting Valkyrie's memories, she pushed past them so she could watch her through the mirror. She was _not_ going to miss this.

At first, Valkyrie's expression was neutral, controlled. Then her brow furrowed, and she frowned, and she looked like she was about to going to stop absorbing the memories, and then –

She went pale, her hand to her face. And then blushed, quite becomingly, through the whole thing. Stephanie laughed. She was as ashamed as Skulduggery was, and she didn't even do anything. Blaming herself for a stray thought. Blaming herself for letting it happen.

Oh, God, this was all really funny.

When Valkyrie let her out again, she was shaking.

Stephanie put a concerned, regretful expression on her face. "I'm sorry," she said, wondering if tears would be over the top.

"I didn't… I didn't know he felt…" She put her hand over her mouth, and Stephanie wondered if _she_ was going to cry.

"I can't believe he did that," she whispered. "I trusted him, I…"

"It was my fault," her reflection offered pitifully.

"No," Valkyrie said fiercely. "It wasn't. You can't feel like that on your own. It was my fault for not noticing, not… warning you, I don't know." She was starting to sound hysterical. "Oh, god."

Valkyrie sat down on the bed, pulling her legs up and burying her face in her knees. Stephanie let her. She looked at herself in the mirror and lifted up her hair. As expected, the little bite marks were gone. A pity.

Her double's head lifted. "Why were you wearing that in the first place?"

Stephanie felt panic. Oh, damn it, she knew she should have changed that! But she really like how it looked on her, and the way Skulduggery had taken it off of her was delightful…

Her delay in responding was what saved her. "Another glitch," Valkyrie said to herself, gritting her teeth. "Probably mimicking me, with…" She suddenly choked, on the verge of tears. "Oh god. I cheated on him. I cheated on someone again, and…"

Stephanie watched without expression as Valkyrie curled up and cried. She was so fragile now. Stephanie could just take out the scepter, and wham – she wouldn't even know what happened. But she had to wait. Wait for her to tell Skulduggery, wait for them to have another fight.

And then… everything would work out fine.

Part of her wished Valkyrie could take her time. Maybe a few days of thinking and moping. Give Stephanie a chance to meet Skulduggery again. And this time she'd keep her promise, not even show Valkyrie.

But no. She didn't have the time to think like that.

Valkyrie pulled herself up and wiped her face with her jacket's sleeve.

"I'm going to talk to him," she said. "Stay here."

She put her back in the mirror, and this time, Stephanie obeyed.

There was nothing left for her to do but watch the pieces fall.


End file.
